I wish it were easier

Life has been a breeze for the past 21 years. Granted, I had my fair share of teenage dramas, dissapoitments, arguments and definately more than enough hospital visit, but I think it's pretty safe for me to say that I've had a pretty good 21 years. I have great parents, I've got a great sister and a great brother, I've got great friends.

I've never really have to work really hard at anything. Studies have always been easy. My grades have always been above average ever since I was in kindergarten. I can still remember that my kindy boyfriend and I were the only ones who scored 100 in everything, including Mandarin, a language I can't even speak now. I missed at least two months of Standard 5 and didn't really study for USPR; and the only preparation I did for PMR was going through the past exam papers. As for SPM, my going to the library was a cover to check out guys. Yes... checking out guys at the library....a bit sad I know, but how can anyone not find smart, serious, broody guys hot? College days at Taylors was more play than study. Deciding what I wanted to study after that was a little tricky, but it didn't take me a lot of thought to decide on Psychology. I did, however, buckle down a little in uni. And I've been doing pretty well in Adelaide. I think I don't suck at sports. I always managed to scrape through my piano and theory exams with minmal practice (from me) and maximum reprimands (from my music teacher).

Point is, I've never worked really hard to acheive anything. Some of the time, I think it was because I thrive under pressure. But most of the time, it was because I never had to. I was the competition that people worked to beat. Kinda arrogant, huh... I admit it, I can be very arrogant at times :) Anyway, I somehow always get what I want, and most of the time come out on top (Or at least, very near the top) by doing, in my opinion, very little.

But everything changes, I guess. I just sent in my applications for a research vacation scholarship and for my honours year. I worry that I won't be able to get in, and I dread the days that I have to wait before I'm told the results of the applications. See, I things to be certain. I like things to be done my way, I like being in charge. And it kills me that I don't have total control over what I'm going to do next year.

And this time, the competition isn't me. Instead, I'm the one who's having to compete with other brilliant minds (yes, I've just reffered to myslef as a brilliant mind). Adding to this is the fact that some idiots I know have said some really discouraging things about my decision to apply for the scholarship and honours. I barely know some of these people. Really felt like givng them a few slaps, but what's the point... The only way out of this, I can see, is to start working really really hard for my exams.

And it sucks that it's the only way. And what happens after I get into honours? I really don't have any clue as to what to do, of what I want to be career wise. And this frightens me, because it's another decision that I'm going to have to make. A decision that I have to make way sooner if I'm not accepted into honours. What then?

It won't be easy, if things don't go my way and I don't get what I want. But I do know some things. I know what I want in life, though I may not know how to get it. I know the type of person I want to be and I know that the only way to do this is to never loose sight of the important things.

I have my dreams, and I'm not going to give up on them yet. Even if it means that I have to start working really really hard. Hey, there's a first time for everything right? :)