When You seem so far away

What does one do when God seems so far away that tears not only don't matter anymore, they just don't come?

I struggled the past two months. I struggled with work, I struggled with some things happening around me, I struggled to understand others, I struggled to allow others to understand me. I battled with myself. I struggled with faith, I struggled with God. I wanted to crash my car, drive it into the lampost and over the flyover. It took all my will power not to burst into tears during dinner. My energy was sapped, I was exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally.

Things got a little better, but I'm struggling again. As I'm typing this, I feel numb. Blank. If my emotions were hooked up to a heart monitor you'll probably hear the long unending Tooooottttttt of the monitor when it can't sense the heart beating anymore. Hah. So drama.

But yes, I struggled, and I'm still struggling. I call and call, prayer upon prayer whispered in the middle of the night and all I get is silence. I remember the first line to the song Totally You - "I'm overwhelmed when silence speaks".

I'm overwhelmed. Numb. Blank. I don't know what to do. I ask You why You seem so far away. I ask myself why You seem so far away. And silence speaks. Numb. Blank.

Why do You seem so far away? Why? I know You love me. I know You'll never leave me, never forsake me. So how come the silence? Why aren't You saying anything?

Then today I found this song. And I couldn't help the tears when I heard it

Steven Curtis Chapman
Sometimes He Comes In The Clouds

These are the places I was so sure I'd find Him
I've looked in the pages
And I've looked down on my knees
I've lifted my eyes in expectation
To see the sun still refusing to shine, but...

[Chorus:]Sometimes He comes in the clouds
Sometimes His face cannot be found
Sometimes the sky is dark and greyBut some things can only be known
And sometimes our faith can only growIf we can't see
So sometimes He comes in the clouds

Sometimes I see me, a sailor out on the ocean
So brave and so sure as long as the skies are clear
But when the clouds start to gather I watch my faith turn to fear, but...

Sometimes He comes in the clouds
Sometimes His face cannot be found
Sometimes the sky is dark and greyBut some things can only be known
And sometimes our faith can only grow If we can't see

Sometimes He comes in the rain
And we question the pain
And wonder why God can seem so far away
But time will show us
He was right there with us, and...
Sometimes He comes in the clouds
Sometimes His face cannot be found
Sometimes the sky is dark and grey
But some things can only be known
And sometimes our faith can only growWhen we can't see
So sometimes He comes in the clouds

And then I read this verse - In Him we live, and move, and have our being. And I know that He's with me every step of the way. Even when all I hear is silence, He is with me.

I'm still struggling. But now, I know I'll be ok. His love is steadfast. Things will be better tomorrow.