Blown away

This year I asked for some drama. I got more than I asked for. My life has been more than dramatic this year. I should change the title of this blog to "My Much-Too-Soapy Soap Opera".

It's been a frustrating seven days. I have been emoing.

I was having a chat with someone the other day, asking him the usual questions - what he was doing... blah blah blah. Likewise, he asked me the same question. And I told him the summarised version of it.. sick, hospital, back for a break till next year.. blah blah blah. Anyway, at the end of our little chat, he asked if I've ever watched some DVD on healing by a speaker (I can't remember which speaker). And for some reason, I got angry. Annoyed. Though to the fella I was chatting too, I was the picture of cordality. Heh.

But inside I was boiling. I think it was because I felt like "Hello, it's been 17 years. I think I'm way pass the watching DVDs on healing" stage.

I went home and almost cried myself to sleep. God, it's been 17 years! I have been waiting for 17 years! Is that not long enough?? How much longer do You want me to wait?

Maybe I also felt a little jealous of others who have gotten healed. God, when is it going to be my turn? How come they get healed and I don't? You said faith the size of a mustard seed. Don't I have that? Am I resigned to the fact that I am going to have to cope with this for the rest of my life? Am I THAT disillusioned?? And if I were to be dissapointed, would it mean that I'm not happy with Your will for me?

I'm stretched enough already! I feel like a rubberband that's about to loose its elasticity. God, isn't this enough?

But along with all this, I have so many things to be thankful for. And I can see God working even in this period of time.

Which is so unfair! Because I'm upset with You, God, for not healing me and You're making it hard for me to do that. Ish.

And You make it even harder when You tell me to turn to this passage. Double ish. Ish Ish.

2 Cor 12:7-10

v7 And least I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.

v8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.

v9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Chirst may rest upon me.

v10 Therefore, I TAKE PLEASURE in infirmities, in reproaches, in need, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God, You blow my mind.