Aku sudah potong rambut.
Speaking in Malay sounds weird. I like it.
Sometimes I ponder agonizingly over whether or not I should blog about something. I ask myself all kinds of questions before I put it down (otherwise waste two hours typing for nothing lahhh).
Would it be offending to anyone? Would it be too revealing? Would the post tell others a little too much about myself? Do I really want others to know that? Would it make me look weak/vulnerable/arrogant/proud/selfish/needy?
I suppose I could create any impression I want blogging. It's not that hard blogging about something funny or creating an illusion that I'm totally in control of everything. I find the difficult part is to being honest.
Honestly, being honest is not easy. Especially now. I've never really been one to pour my heart out to even the closest of friends. It's not that I don't want to, it's because I don't know how. Or maybe I don't want to seem vulnerable. Either way, it causes a word jam in my throat, I have no idea how to begin and it's exhausting. Other times, when people actually ask me how I'm doing and what's going on, I'm just to tired (or maybe lazy) to explain everything so I just give them a really pleasant smile that I practice in front of the mirror everyday and tell them that I'm good. I'm OK. Everything is OK.
But right now, everything is not bright and peachy. I am not OK. I am struggling. I am struggling with what is happening, I am struggling with how I feel about myself - physically and emotionally. I am struggling with guilt, I am struggling with fear. I am struggling with my walk with God, I am struggling with God.
Yet deep within me I know no matter how i feel and what happens, I am still a child of God. I am his daugther, and because He is King, I'm a princess. I'm HIS PRINCESS. This beautiful thought puts a genuine ear to ear smile on my face and for a moment, I can be honest with myself, and I can be honest with you.
I'm broken, I'm vulnerable, I'm scared. And in this state there is nothing I can do but to give it all to Him.
*relief* :)
In keeping with being honest ----- I cried when I got my haircut. But I'm Ok now. Honest. ;)
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5 comments:
I know what it means to have word jams.And they arent very palatable sometimes, so I walk away, do something else and fight the urge to blog about something that may not be 'nice to read'.
Believe it or not, sometimes, your facial features do give much away.*wink*
Anyhow...i am sure the haircut's not too bad. I'd tell you honestly if it was.heh.
And another thing - Ive never told you this to your face, possibly because I havent seen you much. I truly admire and give thanks to God for you - to have handled what you went through. It hasnt been and wont be a bed of roses, but I know that somehow, God will use it for good.
*hugs*
oh, sweetie!!!
I love you!!!!
*HugSSSSssssss*
I come to ipoh, k? ;)
Thanks G. But if haircut not nice don't tell me the truth there lah. hehehehehhehe. If you say not nice I shall clobber you. With giant hammer. :P
Qian - lov u too. Come ipoh we go eat eat eat. Until we pop.
just be yourself, that's what i've learnt. Don't think too much, it can be painful at times. Just 'tie your key to the shoe next time'..hehe..
THanks for the card. See ya in a couple month's time ;) Take care
Wei Jin - AHaha...I shall try sawing the key from the lock with plyers today. And don't pretend to be me on the phone.... :p
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