2007 Mid Year Re-Cap

There's only one way to describe the past two weeks - madness. So many things happened, so many things to write about. Funny things, stupid things, just the madness of it all. But this here is going to be a 'serious' entry. I'll post a light hearted one soon.

To be truthful, 2007, so far, has been an emotional tailspin. I have been up and down, swerving left and right, right side up, upside down. I wonder how is it that I have yet to fly off my handle and go abit cookoo. Although my mom did mention that arranging M&M's according to color in a jar before eating them is a tad bit weird.

1 kg of M&M's arranged according to color

The beginning of the year started with a flurry of activity. I was back in Aussie more than a month before class started for a Summer Scholarship, which turned out to be almost a total waste of time.

Then classes started. And I was (and still am) the only international student. It was disconcerting to be an outsider. I'm never an outsider, except for a short spell in standard four. Or three. I can't remember. I'll admit that I did have some 'almost no friend' points in my life, like when I started college and started uni, but these times never lasted more than 2 weeks before I found my niche of buddies.

But this year, it was difficult. I couldn't even seem to say anything to anyone. It was morifying at times. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't relate to any of them. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I just couldn't. And it was hard.

So I threw myself into my studies. Pretty soon the excitement of doing an honours research project die out - how long can it last lah... the amount of energy taken to read all those monkey backside journals can send people to the moon already lah..

But time passed. Slowly and painfully. But it did pass. And suddenly, I was hit with revelation upon revelation of God's purpose for me. I knew it was from God, and it was amazing. And in all truthfulness, I have never felt this close to God. Not for a long long time.

Even as this happened, however, there were more questions than answers. When? When God, is it going to happen? How? How is it going to happen? I wanted answers, and I wanted them NOW. How long do I have to wait? I'm ready. Make it happen. Now.

But the answer was No. Not now, not yet. You're not ready. We've still got lots of work to do before you're ready. And after some struggling, I had to agree. I'm still wrestling with things that I know I have to work on. And right now, at this very moment, I'm tired.

I'm tired of the lessons that I have to learn. I want a break, and I just want to crawl under my covers and sleep till the moon turns blue. Because under the covers, sleep is certain. I hate uncertainty.

I've almost never been uncertain of the steps that I've taken in life. I have my plans for the year, my five year plan, heck, I've even got my long term ten year plan. But now, everything is uncertain, because I've decided to follow God's plan instead. And I don't know what's going to happen next. It's unnerving. I know there's nothing to worry about. and nothing worry can do. But I still really really dislike not knowing what my next step is.

Then mom came. And I never realised that I missed my family so much till she came. For two weeks, she made me feel like I was home. Like Adelaide was home. And then she was gone. And the implications of staying long term in Australia hit me. Hard. I barely fit in here with my Aussie classmates, though it's getting better. 99% of my friends are Malaysian students who WILL eventually pack up and go home. Do I really want to stay? Can I really create a new life here? I shudder at the thought of going home to Malaysia only once a year. But yet, I know that my time in Adelaide is not up.

I have also come to realise that I am not ready to have a partner. It sounds cliche, but it's true. Because truthfully, i'd prefer it if I had my very own someone. But I still have too many things about myself that I need to sort out. And this sucks.

However, in the misdt of this all, I have grown much closer to God. Learning, listening, leaning on Him. Struggling most of the time. I have never cried this much before. I've always prided myslef to be strong. No wearing of hearts on my sleeve! The one who is able to do anything, no matter how hard. Not anymore. I need His help.

And help me He has. In many ways. And I know that He's never going thrust upon me anything more than I can handle. And I am glad. Because when God says I can take it, that means I CAN take it.

So, it's been six months of blood sweat and tears, mixed with peace, joy and laughter. I'm on a roller coaster, and God is my seatbelt. When the 2007 ride ends, I'll be glad to bungee jump to my next chapter in life. With God as the bungee rope, of course.