Matters of the Heart

Many have asked if I ever ask why this has happened (this being Ulcerative Colitis and all the other not so nice stuff that has happened this year). The answer is YES.

Of course I've asked why. I've repeated that word in my mind a hundred thousand times. I've questinoedI've questioned God a million times. I've cried and sobbed and gotten angry. And I have to admit that a couple of times I've almost given up. People have come up to me saying they think I'm brave, that they wouldn't have handled everything as well as I have; but I don't think I'm brave. At all. What other choice do I have? I CANNOT NOT cope with it. Because not coping with it would mean giving in, giving up, and ultimately, succumbing to the circumstances.

But why? Why? WHY?

I can ask till I'm blue in the face, but there still might not be an answer. It's frustrating, not knowing the answers. So I've decided it's high time for a little perspective modification. Change the 'WHY' to 'WHAT'. What have I learnt from this? What can I learn? What is it about this that I can share? What has God done throughout all this? What is He doing now?

What? indeed. It's amazing what a little change in perspective can do.

However, the one main question I'm asking now is 'What does God see in my heart?' It's a scary thought! Because He sees everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. Oh-uh..... Time for a slef-check.

Besides the fact that there definately will be stuff in my heart that needs correcting and changing, I believe that asking this question, accepting the answers and doing something about it is another step in His preparing me for my dream and my purpose.

So, difficult though it might be, I am ready for Dr. God to perform an open-heart surgery on me.

*What does God see in YOUR heart?*

Beware of Dog!

Beware of Ferocious Samson, guardian of the Oon family home!

Make sure you don't step on him..

Ahhh.... I'm STILL in love with that stupid dog. Looks like it's going to be a serious love affair. He's so tiny! But I think he's put on a bit of weight since I came back seven days ago. Espeacially around the tummy. Coz I feed him. He's having difficulty squeezing through the grill now. And he doesn't walk. He waddles. He waddles and shakes his backside. Waddle waddle shake shake waddle.

hhahahahhaha.

So we've decided that his full name is Samson Oon Fui Keow aka DaRugg (Fui Keow = fat dog in Hakka, DaRugg coz he looks like a rug when he lies down). I give him a scratch till he falls asleep everyday. And he snores. He's such a lazy dog, no wonder he's a fatty fatty bom bom. But I still love him anyway. He's totally stolen my heart. With doggies like Samson, who needs men (sorry guys...).

Muahahahahahaha.

I'm teaching him to kiss me now. Me and only me!

Samson

I'm in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Samson Oon, the most beautiful, smarterestest doggy in the whole wide world.

Honestly...

Aku sudah potong rambut.

Speaking in Malay sounds weird. I like it.

Sometimes I ponder agonizingly over whether or not I should blog about something. I ask myself all kinds of questions before I put it down (otherwise waste two hours typing for nothing lahhh).

Would it be offending to anyone? Would it be too revealing? Would the post tell others a little too much about myself? Do I really want others to know that? Would it make me look weak/vulnerable/arrogant/proud/selfish/needy?

I suppose I could create any impression I want blogging. It's not that hard blogging about something funny or creating an illusion that I'm totally in control of everything. I find the difficult part is to being honest.

Honestly, being honest is not easy. Especially now. I've never really been one to pour my heart out to even the closest of friends. It's not that I don't want to, it's because I don't know how. Or maybe I don't want to seem vulnerable. Either way, it causes a word jam in my throat, I have no idea how to begin and it's exhausting. Other times, when people actually ask me how I'm doing and what's going on, I'm just to tired (or maybe lazy) to explain everything so I just give them a really pleasant smile that I practice in front of the mirror everyday and tell them that I'm good. I'm OK. Everything is OK.

But right now, everything is not bright and peachy. I am not OK. I am struggling. I am struggling with what is happening, I am struggling with how I feel about myself - physically and emotionally. I am struggling with guilt, I am struggling with fear. I am struggling with my walk with God, I am struggling with God.

Yet deep within me I know no matter how i feel and what happens, I am still a child of God. I am his daugther, and because He is King, I'm a princess. I'm HIS PRINCESS. This beautiful thought puts a genuine ear to ear smile on my face and for a moment, I can be honest with myself, and I can be honest with you.

I'm broken, I'm vulnerable, I'm scared. And in this state there is nothing I can do but to give it all to Him.

*relief* :)

In keeping with being honest ----- I cried when I got my haircut. But I'm Ok now. Honest. ;)

Hair Affair

Would you still love me if I were a bald tomato? My hair is dropping from all the medication lah. But... before I become a tomato botak (I'm not planning to have all of it drop in one day) I can decide to

1. Trim my hair (Obviously, I'd rather not be dropping any hair).
2. Cut it short and hope that I stop shedding.
3. Wear a cap/hat/bandana/scarf/tudung until everything falls off and starts looking really scraggly (Like the bad witch in cartoons where you can see her scalp in places and it looks really gross).
4. Just shave evreything off and pretend it's a fashion statement.
5. Buy all types of wigs and wear hair with different styles and colors everyday.

How?